My Letter to Senator Clinton

To the Honorable Senator Clinton:

I am writing this message to suggest a new change in United States government, one that will undoubtedly usher in an era of peace, prosperity, and victory for our great nation.  It will make our country a land I'd truly be proud to be a citizen of.

I will first address the problems that my proposal will solve, and they are numerous in number.  The ones I speak of are the perpetual and horribly incompetent occupations of Iraq and Afghanistan, the question of adequately rebuilding the city of New Orleans, the threat to homosexual marriage, the government's illegal wiretapping of United States citizens, the possible nuclear threats of Iran and North Korea, the torture of detainees unjustly held in a network of secret and disclosed CIA-run detention centers worldwide, the immense and inflating trade deficit, the inadequate system of medical care in the country, and the mediocre state of most school institutions.  As any person would know, it would be almost impossible to solve all of these problems with one decisive action, because they are so diverse, and there are so many of them.  But the key word here is "almost"-- there IS a solution!  We just have to find the source of these problems.

If we trace these problems back, we can easily see where they came from: our President.  You, Senator Clinton, are obviously very much in the political know, so I do not need to tell you how he and his peers have created all of these problems.  I'm sure you've heard it all before, anyway, so I'll proceed straight to the solution.

President Bush influences others and carries out actions with his voice - he recites speeches, gives press conferences (very rarely), and orders other people by talking to them.  It is through this that his ideas gain momentum and influence the country, obviously for the worse.  And it is here that the solution lies - directly under our noses (literally)!  All we have to do is to get him to STOP TALKING.  It's that simple.

Therefore, I propose that you, or someone likeminded, introduce a bill to Congress which would do one or both of the following:

I) Make it so that if George W. Bush, Jr. utters a recognizable sound from his lips, the government shall levy a $10,000 fine against him or sentence him to three years in prison, or both.

II) Require by law that George W. Bush, Jr. must do one of the following speech inhibiting procedures at all hours of the day:

  a) Place a piece of duct tape over his mouth.
  b) Stuff a sock into his oral cavity, and have it held there by an aide.
  c) Put his foot in his mouth.
  d) Force him to wear a ball gag (emergency only).

By forcing the President to be silent, this will restrict his ideas from ever becoming American policy.  He may also be judged unfit to hold office due to the new law, forcing Vice President Dick Cheney to step up and take Mr. Bush's place.  He won't be able to get anything done, though, because the general popular consensus is that he's a big fat creepy jerk.  And he probably smells funny, too.

If this law is successfully passed, the United States will enter an era of utopian bliss the likes of which we have never seen.  I hope you will consider my proposal, Senator Clinton, because I believe it would make America, and thus the world, a much better place to live in.

Thank you for taking the time to read my message.  If I believed in a God, I'd ask Him to bless America at this point.

Sincerely,

Samuel Finer