Review of 'Doom'

Often, I see stupid movies just to make fun of them, because the dialogue is often so HORRIBLE that you just laugh at it like crazy.  (My favorite of this genre is "Army of Darkness," although that looks like it was supposed to be awful in the first place.)  However, in Doom, there was almost nothing to laugh at.  The dialogue was cliched, but not horrible.  Everything about the movie was very drab and boring.  The characters were one-dimensional to the extreme: a religious fanatic, an Asian who never talks, a hard-ass black guy, a witty black guy, a perverted weasel, the hard-ass commander (played by Dwayne "DO YOU SMELLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING??!?!!!1111oneoneone" Johnson), the guy who could kick everyone's ass and has a mysterious past, and a fresh recruit, aptly named "The Kid."  I could come up with better characters in my sleep, with my penis in a vicegrip and an iron spike through my throat.

The plot was mediocre.  Some dumbass scientists on Mars opened a portal to Hell or some crap, and now the facility got taken over so these guys go to investigate and shoot monsters.  Apparently, there was something about a long-lost 24th chromosome, making some humans into super-humans, and making other humans into evil mutants.  Funny, I always thought having extra chromosomes gave you DOWN'S SYNDROME.</u>

The only thing that was entertaining about the experience was the scene that was shot entirely in first-person.  Now, you might think that this would be aggravating, and in many places, it was.  It was like being over at some nerdy kid's house, and you're watching him play video games, and he won't let you play, so you have to sit and watch him play and eat popcorn.  However, in some parts, it was HILARIOUS.  The zombies looked almost like clowns, and laughed (yes, laughed) in the most asinine fashions.  In some parts, I could NOT stop laughing due to the sheer absurdity of what was going on.

But let me tell you, that horrible bit was the only redeeming quality of the movie.  It was a total waste of time.  I could have spent that time much more efficiently by...finishing my college application essay, or boning my girlfriend (I love you, Lyla!), or even PLAYING THE BLOODY GAME.  Even playing THE FIRST DOOM would have been better than watching this poor excuse for a film.

I swear, if I find the crackpot who authorized this, I'm going to smack him so hard that I'll kill his whole family.